Dan's Papers - October 26, 2007 - Movie Goer's Lament

There were many awards given out at the Hamptons International Film Festival this past weekend, but none were offered up to the filmgoers. And there needed to be. Much of the time, in fact most of the time, what he has to endure is beyond belief - not so much because it is bad filmmaking, because it isn't - but because of the subject matter. Much of it, perhaps even most of it, is depressing and awful, miserable and hateful, full of death and destruction.

I have written about this before. And others have written about it before, referring to other film festivals. I even think the film festival managers know about this. Here at the Hamptons International Film Festival, possibly because of this, they started things off on opening night with the cheerful, highly commercial film entitled Bernard and Doris, a loving tribute to the relationship between the billionaire Doris Duke and her butler, Bernard. Those of us who attended, and we were among them, came out of the theatre whistling and smiling with a bounce in our step and a song in our hearts.

But from there, it was just all downhill.

Don't misunderstand. We were well aware that we would have to dodge the bullets. We tried. We failed.

On Friday at about noon, I got a call from some friends of ours who weekend on Shelter Island. They were here, they were available and they were putting themselves into our hands for an evening of dinner and film festival entertainment. When they called it was a lovely day, but by early evening the weather had become a horrendous downpour.

As we drove past the UA Theatre in East Hampton, we saw hundreds of people lined up, waiting. Some were under umbrellas, some were not. All were soaked and grim, but excited to be going to the film festival.

"Why don't we have dinner first?" one of the friends suggested. "Maybe the rain will let up later."

We parked on Newtown Lane in front of Citta Nuova, a fashionable Italian restaurant. The rain pounded on the roof of the car and we sat there for a minute fishing for umbrellas. Then we went inside and got seats. And from there, leaving my dinner order with Chris so as not to hold things up, I went running down the street to the theatre a half block away to talk to the ticket people about what was available for later. There was quite a bit for after 9 p.m., which suited us just fine.

"We have Body of War in Cinema 1," the ticket seller said.

I looked it up in my guide. "Ellen Spiro and Phil Donahue's powerful documentary confronts the physiological and psychological effects of war as it follows Tomas Young, a wounded soldier who served in Iraq and is now speaking out against the war."

"Anything lighter?" I asked.

"We have I Am an Animal in Cinema 6."

I read that. "The controversial animal rights organization, PETA, is as equally reviled as it is esteemed. This documentary follows PETA founder Ingrid Newkirk as she works diligently for her cause. The organization's critics are also given a voice."

"How about a little lighter than that?"

"We have The Savages in Cinema 6."

I didn't even bother to look it up in the program.

"There's the new Sidney Lumet movie at the Ross School at 9:30. It's called Before the Devil Knows You're Dead. It's getting great reviews."

The title made me suspicious. But it was Sidney Lumet, director of 12 Angry Men, Dog Day Afternoon and Serpico. He lives out here. This is what the program had to say.

"May you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead, or so goes the Irish toast from which Sidney Lumet's latest tour de force borrows its title. Bolstered by memorable lead performances by Philip Seymour Hoffman and Ethan Hawke, the film marks a return to form for Lumet."

What could go wrong?

"I'll take it," I said. And so I returned to the restaurant. The table greeted me with enthusiastic applause for the brilliance of my choice.

At the Ross School, Lumet spoke briefly to the audience before the film began, thanked the crowd for coming, said rainy nights are always the best nights to take in a movie, and said he very much enjoyed working with these accomplished actors that he had not worked with before. The place was packed.

Then the movie began.

Before it was over, two brothers in need of money rob a mom and pop jewelry store in a shopping mall, resulting in the killing of the thug they hire to pull it off and the death of their mother, who is the mom in the mom and pop.

"She wasn't supposed to be there at that hour!!" laments one of the brothers.

Later, the older of the brothers shoots the owner of an upscale but safe drug house he frequents and kills not only the owner but also a total stranger who just happens to be there.

Still later, this brother also shoots the husband of the sister of the thug he hired, after this thug demands that the brother pay for the support of his sister and her baby now that the husband is dead due to the botched robbery. Then the brother turns his gun on the younger brother - who has objected to what his older brother has done - and is about to shoot him when he is gunned down from behind by the thug's sister. The younger brother runs off.

But the older brother is not dead, just wounded though unconscious. The sister calls an ambulance.

As the movie comes toward its close, the pop in mom and pop, having spoken to the younger brother, goes to the hospital where the older brother is recovering and smothers him with a pillow.

He runs out of his son's room into the hall. "Nurse! Nurse!" he shouts. "Come quick."

The End. I hope I have not given too much of this movie away.

We stood out in the rain.

"Pretty tough stuff," one of our guests said, the rain dripping down. "How many shot dead?"

The next day, Saturday, was a beautiful day. So I went into town early to the ticket office - I'm a pro now - and chose a movie called Teeth that was showing in cinema 6 at 9:30 p.m.

It would just be the two of us now. We'd have a leisurely dinner at the Laundry. Then we'd go see 'Teeth' which the clerk in the theatre said everybody was raving about.

The program guide agreed.

"Sure to be one of the most talked about movies this year, Teeth features an unforgettable performance by rising star Jess Weixler as a teenager who discovers - quite accidentally - that her body can be used as a weapon. Underneath the movie's sunny, comic surface lurks a darker story about sexual power."

One of the festival's directors who was introducing Michael Lichtenstein, the filmmaker that would next speak to the audience, had this to say.

"I can guarantee that this is an unforgettable experience. I know it was for me. And it will be for you."

Then the theatre went dark. I will never forget this movie.

There is no funny exterior. There is a goody-goody exterior. And under that there is this teenager who, because she never looked, does not know that she has teeth in her vagina. She's very pretty. Men take advantage of her. At the proper moment she gets angry, and in spite of herself, bites off these men's penises with her vagina. It is very bloody and graphic. At one point, a dog eats one of the penises. Most of the men die as blood graphically and rhythmically pumps out of their bodies through their stumps. Others survive and have their penises grafted back on. Still others have fingers bitten off.

One man, a gynecologist whom she visits because she suspects there are teeth "down there" and wants him to have a look, has four fingers of his right hand bitten off when he says something a bit condescending while examining this schoolgirl.

One never gets to see what these men, the ones who survive anyway, might have learned from this experience, which I took to be a sort of fault with this movie, but maybe that was just me.

What you do learn is that the girl, now knowing the truth, makes a conscious decision to use her weapon as a crusader might use a sword against the infidels. She'll show them. So all future attackers, watch out.

Indeed, this is a movie that neither Josh Koury or myself or Chris will ever forget.

"He was sure right about that," I said.

Though I will say that indeed, and in its defense, no movie has ever been made about this particular genetic aberration, should there ever be one, which up until now there has not been. This is a first.

So that's it. This is written Sunday around noon. We are going to try again. And I am not going to tell you what I have chosen.

Tonight, under the festival tent, is the awards ceremony. If anyone asks me, I will say that these films are amazing works of staggering genius. And they are. They are works of brilliant stars and - in many cases - heretofore undiscovered filmmakers. They are wonderful and have been selected above all others for our viewing pleasure, chosen for this film festival above all others by discerning experts.