Dan's Papers - October 26, 2007 - The Sheltered Islander By Sally Flynn

Recently I had to help someone with funeral plans. I am amazed at the high cost of dying! $6500 for a simple funeral, more if you want bells and whistles. I have a firm belief that the soul is real and exits the body the moment it is free. The funeral is not for the dead, they are in no pain. The funeral is for the living, for closure sake. Most funerals are solemn, except for New Orleans funerals and Irish Wakes. I remember my great grandfather was laid out in the living room. There was crying and laughing and it wasn't scary that he was laying right there.

Then I begin to think about unique ways you could have a funeral on Shelter Island, and as usual, my mind took a left off of Reality Road. If you're sensitive, please don't read further, it's all downhill from here.

A Ferry Funeral - The funeral party could rent a ferry, circle the island, have a lovely service and scatter the ashes in the channel. Very nice, very classy, very Islandy.

The Dory to Glory - In the tradition of the Vikings, the deceased could be put in a beautifully decorated dory, set ablaze after a big party and sent out to sea.

A Heavenly Clambake - This is my personal choice. Sit the deceased in a beach chair and have a big clambake with lots of funny stories, singing and inappropriate behavior. At the end of the clambake, attach two beach balls to the sides of the deceased's beach chair and send them out with a party hat on the outgoing tide.

Clammer's Final Rake - I think this would be my brother's choice. Lay out the deceased on a small barge with their clam rakes, a wire basket and rubber tube. After a nice service, the participants will rotate the barge around three times while reciting, "Show us where your clam beds are....," The barge is released in the hope the departed will steer it over his favorite spot one last time, to say goodbye to the clams who would be celebrating by then.

Ferry Line Funeral -This isn't usually planned. Someone in the ferry line during the summer Just ends up waiting past their expiration date. They're discovered when they fail to move their car forward after thirty seconds of honking horns.

Duffers in the Dust - For the many golfers on the Island, there should be a special green off to the side of some great view of the golf course. And in keeping with the ambiance of the greens, there would be discreet golf tees with tiny plaques of the departed's name and best score, like, "Here Lies Les More, shot a game under 44, no less, no more."

A Green Funeral - A traditional service. You are interred in a biodegradable box in Mashomack Preserve. You're guaranteed to rest in peace because after the attendees leave the Preserve, they will never be able to find you again.

The Tanger Exit - For dedicated shoppers who in life could find their way to the Tanger Outlet Mall under any conditions, like a team of dogs running the Iditerod in a blinding snow storm. The deceased is lovingly swathed in white tissue wrap and placed into a giant shopping bag from their favorite store. Their best "finds" are read at a graveside service before they take that great shopping cart into the sky.

The Fire Me to Freedom Funeral -Your ashes are saved till the next Fourth of July and during the big finale your ashes are shot out of a cannon full of dazzling, sparkling fireworks!